


permanent

by awkwardrainbow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Angst, Chef Lexa, Co-workers, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Painter clarke, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, they work in a pizzeria okay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-12-30 16:36:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18319142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardrainbow/pseuds/awkwardrainbow
Summary: Clarke’s recent broken heart leaves her alone to suffer the summer, avoiding the annual family and friends trip to the ocean so that she can spend time with herself to grow and paint and heal. But when her friend Lexa returns from that annual trip she’s honest when she says she’s doing well. However, life presents her with a new challenge as the Lexa that returns does not feel the same as the one that left. Something about her is more present in Clarke’s damaged heart, and it’s weird because she hasn’t felt it skip like this in so long and it’s for… her friend? Her friend who she’s never once looked at like that, not even thought about it. Now she’s left to wonder if it’s worth the risk to tell her friend what she’s feeling or if love is just too hard to keep taking chances on.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Personally going through it at the moment but it always produces my best work. So please enjoy this story. I'm not fully sure how long it's going to be, but surprisingly, it is actually a bit more light-hearted than I am known for. It might not seem like it at first but trust me. It's pretty soft.

She still has her number memorized. She should delete it, maybe she’d feel better. But she doesn’t. It sits in her phone and sometimes when she’s laying awake, unable to sleep, she repeats the numbers like a mantra until she can finally feel herself fading. The new version of counting sheep.

If only it worked to keep her asleep, she gets a few hours, a few hours and it’s enough for now because it’s better than none. Productivity is the most important.

But it feels useless.

How can she distract herself when she’s everywhere? In her heart, in her mind, in her eyes.

She looks worse, not that anyone else can tell. Niylah is the master at disguising emotion. She can almost act like she doesn’t have them… most people think that’s true. Clarke knows better, she always has.

“You are staring again.” Lexa whispers in her ear, scaring her enough that she’s jumping out of her skin and gripping her arm as if to ground herself. This is probably the third time this week Lexa has approached her unnoticed. Clarke is so distracted it often leaves her vulnerable.

“I am not.” Clarke lies and Lexa knows she’s lying. If anyone knows her better than Niylah does, that person is Lexa.

She just gives her a look, allowing silence to envelop them while Clarke holds on tightly to her lies. “You have to do some work, you know? Until a customer requests, pine after ex-girlfriend, in their order. I can’t allow you to be so distracted. Manager duties.” Lexa’s charming, like the first day of spring. She smells like tulips, the honey-scented kind, as well and maybe that’s why Clarke has always associated her with that time of year. Maybe the other reason is because Lexa has way of making a dark day feel bright, like the sun peaking out after it’s been raining for months.

“Making pizzas is not a good moving-on strategy.” Clarke allows herself to joke.

“And staring at your ex-girlfriend is?” Lexa snorts and moves around Clarke, so she stands in the way of Clarke’s distraction.

“Are you going to watch me?” Clarke pretends to glare at her, squinting her eyes in her general direction as Lexa gives her a playfully authoritative look. She’s had quite the ego boost since Gustus promoted her.

“You’re untrustworthy to be left alone, I’m going to have to supervise.” There goes that smile again and Clarke can’t help but laugh. For now, the heavy feeling in her chest briefly subsides, lifted by the sunshine that Lexa always brings to her life.

“My mom thinks you have a big head when it comes to cooking.” And she’s not wrong. Lexa loves cooking, and she should have a big head, she could probably kill someone with how good everything she makes is.

“Your mother would starve without me. I’ve been feeding her since the sixth grade.” Lexa even sounds cocky as she says it, leaning against the counter and watching Clarke with a grin that stretches even wider. She has an incredibly infectious attitude.

“That is the truth.” The silence again settles between them as Clarke rolls out the dough. The way she handles the prepping of food in her hands is routine. She’s been working at Gustus’s pizzeria since she was sixteen, it should be routine.

“Clarke?” Lexa’s voice has lost the playfulness in the way she says her name, but Clarke doesn’t bother to worry about it. Not only will it return quickly, Lexa just likes to make sure she’s feeling okay.

“Hmm?” She hums as she spreads sauce carefully, glancing up only to look at the requested order before focusing back on her work.

“You’re feeling okay?” Lexa mumbles and if she was looking at her, she’d probably be able to see that cute little knit she gets to her eyebrows when she worries about her.

“I’m surviving.” Clarke says with a slight chuckle, spreading cheese over the settled sauce.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me, it’s the whole summer. It might make you feel better? You can stay in with us. Kane is coming with Octavia, and Bellamy.” Clarke is briefly distracted by Lexa’s fingers lightly tapping on the counter where she’s placed her hand to rest.

“You forget my uncle doesn’t own this place.” She teases Lexa about her privileged work environment yet again, as she commonly does.

“He loves you like he is your uncle. Come on Clarke, I don’t want to leave you here all summer, alone with…” Lexa’s head turns slightly, just to glance at her, and she moves enough that Clarke can see her too.

She frowns as the heavy feeling sets itself back down in her chest. “I’ll be fine, that’s three months away, I’ll probably be over it by then.”

“Yeah because that’s how broken hearts work.” Lexa rolls her eyes and Clarke chuckles.

“Are you sassing me?” She says like it’s a challenge, narrowing her eyes at her friend.

“Maybe.” Smirk back in place Clarke can’t help but smile at her.

“I’m just not ready to go back there without my dad.” Clarke says heavily. The light mood Lexa had been attempting to implement into their conversation sobers immediately, but Lexa doesn’t do what everyone else always does. She doesn’t apologize and awkwardly shift away from the topic, finding some excuse to not talk about it. Instead she gives Clarke her sad smile, a sympathetic one but not in a condescending way and she does that common touch to her right elbow, just a brief graze of fingers but it’s always enough.

_I am here for you._

“I understand. I’ll bring you back some sand.” Lexa teases, smile lifting from sympathetic to that bright one she holds as her touch falls away.

“Please don’t.” Clarke says with a chuckle and Lexa’s smile widens.

“Lexa, I don’t see you working.” Gustus gavels as he enters the kitchen interrupting their conversation. But Lexa doesn’t panic or worry about being caught only chatting on the job. If anything, Lexa only grows more confident.

Her back straightens, her smirk still in place. “I’m supervising Ms. Griffin.”

If Clarke knows anything about the Woods family, or what’s left of them that is, it’s that they stick together. Clarke has always assumed that Lexa is his favorite, though he’s never actually admitted it, he wouldn’t but she is. It’s in the way he treats her, looks at her even. Now when he should be scolding her his brown eyes twinkle with affection. “Oh is that what you call it?”

Lexa’s confident smirk does not falter. Most people wouldn’t think it but she is the most playful person Clarke knows, it’s always refreshing. It’s a side of her she had only briefly glimpsed through high school, it wasn’t until after her father passed that Lexa had really cracked her shell open enough to Clarke to show her that she’s an absolute goofball. “Hard at work here sir.”

“If you’re going to supervise, you might as well roll some dough as well. We just had a family of six come in and they look like they’re expecting more.” His tone is much too light to be authoritative, but Clarke knows an order when she hears one.

“Aye, aye captain!” Lexa salutes at her uncle who rolls his eyes in amusement. Clarke can’t help but laugh beside her, shaking her head because her friend is a biggest idiot.

“Your managing powers seem bested.” Clarke teases as Lexa follows Gustus’s instruction, rolling out dough right beside Clarke.

Lexa lets out an offended puff of air that has Clarke giggling. “This was my idea, I don’t what you are talking about.”

 

***

 

“Clarke honey, are you sure you don’t want to come?” Her mother’s got on her big sad eyes. Of course, they don’t work on Clarke, not with this. But at most any other time Clarke would be giving in… this, however, is just different.

“I’m positive.” She tries to give her mother the biggest smile she can manage, it’s not very large or genuine but it does what it’s supposed to do. Makes her mother think she’s doing just fine. For the most part, she’s not doing terribly or anything. She’s surviving, just as she always says when Lexa asks.

That just, doesn’t feel like enough lately.

Plus, Abby was never intuitive. “Alright, well if you change your mind in the middle just let me know, I’ll buy your ticket.” And she would too Clarke is sure of it.

“I’m not changing my mind. Go have a good vacation Mom. I’ll see you soon, call me when you land?” She’s surprised her mother is managing to go this year, though she’s sure that has something to do with the Blakes and Kane attending. She’s always been close with them. Normally Clarke would be just as enthusiastic to see them, she did grow up with them after all, but her Dad is still not going to be there and she’s afraid to spend the entire trip crying.

Though maybe Lexa wouldn’t let her. She’s incredibly good at cheering her up.

She watches her mother leave, car backing out of the driveway before dropping her false barely-there smile. She lets her eyes travel across the road to Lexa’s empty driveway, having left far earlier that morning. She wonders if she’s landed already, maybe she’ll ask for a picture, she could use the distraction.

The heaviest sigh relieves itself from Clarke’s heavy chest and she turns back to her house, dreading spending the summer alone, but at the same time feeling better about not having to pretend she’s doing okay all the time. Well, not why she’s home anyway. Her mother really can’t handle Clarke’s overload of emotions right now… Clarke can’t handle her own overload of emotions. She’d prefer to bury them.

In the deep silence of her big empty house, Clarke allows herself to feel the only way she normally does when she’s alone at night, not sleeping. Step after step, pictures on the walls taken down so her mother can cope, but Clarke keeps them in her room. The only ones she’s taken down are Niylah’s.

She thinks about returning them to her, so she knows she doesn’t want them anymore. But somehow, she doesn’t think that will give her the upper hand in anything. Instead it just makes her chest feel empty as she looks at the printed ones, stacked on her desk in a misshapen mess because she had taken them all down that day that she had broken up with her and hadn’t touched them since.

If Lexa were here, she’d get rid of them for her. As it stands now, she doesn’t think she can touch them without feeling the slightest crack in her resolve and her heart already makes her feel like falling down.

She remembers the things she did for Lexa after Costia. She took Lexa to her backyard, because hers is bigger and her dad had this burning barrel she never once saw him use. Lexa hadn’t been sure about it at first, she wasn’t much for setting things on fire to feel better, but Clarke was mad enough that she told her she was going to do it for herself then.

Clarke was definitely one for setting things on fire.

Lexa is stronger than her, because even with a broken heart her smile had still been real, genuine. Or maybe it was just Clarke. They had a way of lifting each other up when they felt their worst.

She sprinkled each photo into the barrel, slowly, glancing them over but now allowing Lexa much time to contemplate them over her shoulder. She would cry again and when Lexa cries her eyes get far too big and green and it’s absolutely unbearable, so she did it quickly. Each photo she dumped in this barrel and then she set them on fire, and they watched them shrivel up and Lexa held her hand when she cried, and Clarke had promised her that someone would love her right someday.

She knows Lexa would do something similar if she were here now. It would probably be more creative then fire. She’d probably make Clarke walk her favorite trail while Lexa keeps them out of reach, and she’d remind Clarke of her father’s favorite activity, and then she’d set them up perfectly so Clarke could shoot paint at them. She had already mentioned it once. But Clarke hadn’t wanted to do anything like that without her Dad. A common theme when it comes to old activities.

She still hasn’t accepted that he’s not coming back, not completely. It’s been two years, she knows, she just… _can’t_. And because Lexa has known enough loss to last twelve lifetimes, she would never push her too.

Lexa is not here now, miles away at Clarke’s favorite place in the world without her. But she tries to think about what she’d say as Clarke scooped them up, trying to decide what to do with them.

_“Paint it.”_

She can hear her voice too, echoing softly like she should have thought of that first. So, she takes the pile, out of the room with her and downstairs to the extra room that Abby had converted for her a long time ago. She dumps them on the floor by the easel and stares at it for a long time trying to decide what she’s going to do.

The thing about art is when Clarke starts going, she doesn’t stop, she doesn’t stop for days and she’s more then happy to allow herself to drown in as many colors as she can. It’s better than the feelings sitting deep and heavy in her chest. If she has to spend the whole summer doing this, just to get over her and cope with the many other things she hasn’t coped with yet, she’ll never stop.


	2. autumn i

It is the last week of August but it’s hot like it’s the first. It’s god damn bright and exhausting and Clarke can’t wait for her favorite time of year, since it’s right around the corner. No more sweat on the back of her neck at just the briefest touch of the sun, and lots of rain. God, she loves rain.

She can’t stop thinking about that now as she waits outside, like she’s a child waiting for her parent to come back from a business trip. But she’s not waiting for her mom, though she’s missed her.

She’s left the painting she’s been working on inside, well, she’s left the entire collection in there. It’s far too hot and she’s afraid of them getting damaged, but she knows it’s some of her best work and she can’t wait to show Lexa.

She can feel the sweat trickle from her hairline and grumbles as she brushes a hand across her forehead. She remembers how the air here feels whenever she came back from that trip. The air there is always crisp, clear, smells entirely of the ocean. Everyday she had woken it was like living in a movie. She misses it.

She knows Lexa finds it suffocating to come home.

So when her car pulls up into her driveway and she exits looking not only exhausted but fairly disappointed Clarke is not surprised. She’s going to cheer her up though, so she’s throwing herself across the street before she can help it. Lexa is tanner then when she left, maybe even a bit more fit. No doubt she spent the whole summer surfing, she was quite good at it. “Lexa!” She’s too excited to see her, Lexa is her only friend that understands her art.

Hell, even when she was dating her ex-girlfriend she didn’t even understand it the way that Lexa does. “Clarke!” Lexa’s deep frown turns into that bright spring morning like smile. Bright and shiny and Clarke feels the warmth of the action the moment she sees her. Lexa does not seem to care how incredibly hot it is, or how sweaty Clarke is from standing outside in it for twenty minutes. She’s hugging her, tight and warm and god damn has she always smelt this good?

Clarke must have really missed her.

Lexa must feel the need the show off because she lifts her feet off the ground and Clarke squeals, holding her tighter until Lexa sets her back down. “I get it, you’re superman.” Clarke’s voice is tighter then normal though she can blame the fast beating of her own heart on missing her friend and anticipating seeing her again. She can even blame Lexa’s on that, which she can feel against her own chest with Lexa squishing her tight enough.

Lexa steps back from her with a look of disgusted. “Um, you know I prefer marvel.” And she is right, Clarke does know that.

“And I prefer to have my feet on the ground.” She teases, the corners of her own lips turning up as Lexa’s eyes squint down at her own, the sun bright enough that it’s probably not the easiest for her to see Clarke in this angle.

“I take it back I did not miss you.” Lexa’s smile is a clear indicator that she’s completely full of shit. “How was your lonely summer?” She asks with her smile not even faltering in the slightest.

Clarke sighs, she can’t stop herself from examining over each detail of Lexa’s face. Her jaw was always prominent but something about it in this particular light looks… _really good_. “Lonely. So, you should keep me company, I’ll cook you food?” She tugs at the end of Lexa’s shirt as if that will help bribe her into spending time with her.

“I would love too.” Lexa smiles, brushing her fingers through the side of Clarke’s hair. She’s usually very subtle touches, and Clarke’s hair is not one of Lexa’s subtle touches. So she knows the “but” is coming before Lexa’s even finished her sentence. “But, Gustus is having a barbeque to celebrate me coming home and becoming his slave in the kitchen again.” Green eyes roll as the slight disappointment edges its way into Clarke’s chest.

“Oh.” Clarke can feel the pout grace her features before she can disguise it.

Lexa’s smile turns sympathetic. “I’m sure your mom was going to tell you about it when she got home.”

Clarke nods her head. “I know, I just, wanted to show you something.” She shrugs her shoulders to try and indicate that it’s no big deal, but Lexa’s sympathetic smile has dropped and her face morphs into a look of guilt.

Her voice is quiet when it says. “Something as in art something.” And she’s not asking, she’s stating because she knows. Very few people are privileged with a look at Clarke’s art before it’s supposed to be presented but Lexa has maintained that privilege for the last two years and Clarke has probably created more in the last two years than she has all of her life.

“Yeah, I’ve been working all summer. It’s been therapeutic.” She gives Lexa a genuine warm smile, one that communicates how she should not worry about her, at least for now anyways.

“Therapeutic like I won’t have to supervise you at work anymore?” Lexa’s warm teasing spikes something in Clarke’s chest that Lexa has never produced before, a spike against her heart that is very much brand new when it comes to Lexa being the cause of it. Perhaps Clarke’s heart is working again or perhaps she’s temporarily gone insane.

“You are a shitty supervisor.” She says with a smirk and watches as Lexa ducks her head, feeling almost incredibly light at the sound of her giggle.

“Perhaps. I have to get my bags inside, but I definitely want to see your collection, maybe I can rush over after my shower if not, after the barbeque?”

“Hmm, okay.”

Lexa’s subtle touch grazes her elbow, that’s a normal Lexa touch, but the kind of warmth Clarke feels racing through her chest at the briefest hint of it is not normal and she’s got knitted eyebrows as she’s watching Lexa drag bags into her house, disappearing through the door.

She does not have much time to contemplate it as her mother is pulling in across the street and calling her name the moment she’s getting out of the car. She knows her mother misses her when they’re so far apart. She’s developed separation anxiety after Clarke’s father’s passing and she’s surprised her mother had the strength to go this year, without her. She’s proud of her, she thinks her mother is far stronger than she is.

“I come back bearing gifts!” She shouts as Clarke is crossing the street and Clarke can’t help the gentle smile that graces her mouth.

“I love gifts!” She says like a child and her mother laughs.

“Let’s get inside and get ready for Gustus’s barbecue and I’ll show you what I bought.”

“Yes ma’am, let me help you.”

 

***

 

“Clarkey! Where the hell were you this summer?” Octavia is the first to greet her. Octavia’s father Kane is Clarke’s mother’s co-worker… well more then that it seems lately but Clarke doesn’t really like to think about that. She’d grown up with the Blakes attending the family trip, but Octavia goes to a University in New York, so she never sees her anymore.

She would have seen her a lot more if she had taken the scholarship she was offered, but her father’s passing really threw a wrench her plans and completely changed her perspective. “I was home, how was your summer?”

“Oh great! Lexa actually won that surfing competition they have every year, finally, and she kicked Bellamy’s ass. Like actually, they did this like karate match or something and she didn’t even blink. He literally had nothing on her, he was down in like a minute. I barely blinked.” Octavia’s hands move about her animatedly and Clarke’s almost afraid she’s going to manage to knock her cup out of her hand with all the movement.

“I bet that made her extremely happy.” She says with a chuckle and she can picture it. Not only can she picture Lexa winning, but Bellamy was weaker than he talked and Lexa’s probably been waiting to kick his ass for a good ten years now.

“It did. Hey, I was just curious, but is Lexa back with Costia?”

Clarke can’t help but choke on the drink she had been sipping on, sending her into a coughing fit that has Octavia patting her back. “I don’t think so why?” Her voice comes out high and squeaky and she is unable to completely understand the sinking feeling that accompanies a statement like that.

Costia had been Lexa’s first real heartbreak, and the idea of them being back together, while it would not be completely surprising, still makes Clarke weary. “I saw her there, they looked quite chummy is all.”

“Chummy?” She squeaks and Octavia gives her a weird look.

“Yeah, like you know how Lexa isn’t a very… physically affectionate person but they were pretty hands on… well, I mean, not like anything super romantic, just more so than I’m used to seeing for Lexa.” She blabbers, hands moving again, and Clarke’s heart remains sunk into the pit of her stomach.

Hands on for Lexa? Hands only like brushing her fingers through Costia’s hair like she does with Clarke or hands on like giving an ex-girlfriend you haven’t seen in a long time a hug? It really could be either one and Clarke doesn’t seem to like either possible answer. “I know they were talking before she left, I didn’t know she would be there.”

Octavia takes a moment of looking really thoughtful and Clarke tries not to drown in her own thoughts. “If Costia is back do you think that means Lincoln is back?”

“Could be. Think you’ll have a shot now that your all grown up?” She can hear her own questions still circling through her head as she tries to change the topic.

“Oh, I know I will.” She gives Clarke a wink as she gets distracted by the call about burgers being ready, dancing off in the direction of food and Clarke watches her for a second before she’s scanning the backyard for Lexa.

She hadn’t told her not once about seeing Costia there.

It makes Clarke feel incredibly uncomfortable at just the thought. She can’t fully place it. She does have a bias against Costia as Lexa is so incredibly important to her and Costia had hurt her badly almost as if Lexa giving her heart away had meant nothing.

Lexa gives her heart to no one and hasn’t since her.

“Hey, have you seen Lexa?” She asks Indra who’s by the door. She normally avoids talking to her without Lexa as she’s often giving her this uncomfortable look that she’s giving her now but right now she just wants to ask Lexa a question.

“Yeah, she went into the kitchen with Anya.” She nods her head in the general direction.

Clarke barely manages a “thanks” before she’s off quickly.

She feels an incredibly desperate need to get to her and she doesn’t fully understand why. Clearly, there is something wrong with her, but she still can’t help herself as she enters into the house. Lexa and Anya aren’t in the kitchen but she can hear them talking, though Lexa’s voice is quiet, as she’s normally soft spoken, so she can’t really make out what she’s saying as she enters into the hallways toward the living room, only to stop short when she hears Anya say, “have you told Clarke?”

“No, god I know I shouldn’t.” Lexa’s voice breaks around the words and Clarke can’t understand what could be so bad that she would have to keep anything from her? She didn’t really think Lexa had any secrets kept from her anymore, she didn’t keep anything from Lexa. Not after these last few years anyways.

“We’ve been here before Lexa. You think you’d have learned by now.” Anya almost says it like its humorous.

“I missed her so much, it’s just… I thought I was better, I thought I was over it. I don’t understand why it keeps coming back?” Lexa says with confusion lacing itself into every word.

“Because you don’t deal with it Lexa, you just bury it. You should tell Costia.”

“I was going to I just, it’s stupid isn’t it? Nothings changing. It’s just me being dumb again, like high school.” Clarke can practically see her shrug. She wonders if this is all about Costia, whatever they’re talking about.

Clarke still can’t understand why Lexa wouldn’t tell her. “You’re not dumb, love is.”

“Hmm,”

She decides that maybe she’s eavesdropped on a conversation Lexa didn’t want to have with her yet too much and backs up quietly as conversation breaks between the two in the other room. She doesn’t want to hear it herself, so maybe Octavia was right, or had caught on to something?

Why wouldn’t Lexa tell her?

Well, it’s not like she’s Lexa’s best friend but she kind of always thought she was, so maybe that’s why it hurts so much hearing Lexa say she doesn’t even want to tell her that she might want Costia back. If that is what they were talking about. Maybe she’s getting ahead of herself, she doesn’t know.

Clarke would understand, if anything, now more than ever. Costia had been Lexa’s first love, it took Lexa a whole year before she even started dating again. Of course she’d understand, be a little protective, but she’d understand. Clarke’s jaw sets as she slides open the door to the backyard again and steps back out. Why does Lexa not trust her?

Why does she feel so disappointed?

“Hey mom, I think I’m going to go home early.” She mumbles into her mom’s ear, so she hears her over all the music and chattering conversation.

“Oh, okay, take a burger with you please.” Her mother says out of request to eat. Clarke had only been nursing a beer that didn’t taste very good most of the evening, she hadn’t eaten anything since this morning, so she listens to her. Takes the paper plate her mother hands her and disappear as quickly as she can to her own home and the solitude and safety of it.

She leaves the burger on the counter, appetite lost and practically runs for her art room. The one place she’s been releasing every dark deep insecure emotion she’s been feeling all summer. Each one getting lost in a new canvas of dark purples and blues. But she doesn’t paint like that this time. The moment she starts its in deep pinks and reds and soft greens. It’s too different to be in her collection, but she places every insecurity on that canvas and doesn’t hear the door behind her open as she focuses.

She doesn’t even notice anyone else had entered the room until she feels the gentle press of a hand on her back making her jump slightly out of her own skin. “I’m sorry.” Lexa’s gentle voice washes over her like the soft waves of the ocean or an open breeze in a field.

The dark place her heart had been settling into is washed away the moment soft green meets bright blue. She can’t think of anything to say as Lexa stares at her. She does know that the sun is nearly gone. Only up enough to break through the window and color Lexa’s face in the same soft pinks she had been painting in.

Why does Lexa appear more beautiful than even the sunset sky in this very moment? And why is Clarke’s heart going fucking crazy? “I didn’t mean to disturb you.” Lexa says with a crack to her tone, hand leaving the small of her back to fall at her side and Clarke has to blink herself out of her own daze.

What the hell is wrong with her?

“No, it’s okay, I’m sorry I left early.” Clarke’s voice comes out different than she was expecting. Shaking, like looking at Lexa makes her nervous and she thinks by the shaking of her own hands that perhaps she’s not far off. But she can’t imagine why she’s feeling this way? She has no idea what’s going on in her chest right now, she has no idea what she’s supposed to be thinking.

“Would you like to show me your collection now? Or do you want to continue painting. I can sit and wait.” Lexa motions for the chair in the corner of the room, one she’s actually familiar with. She’s done that before, sat down and done homework while Clarke painted in the quiet of this room. Hardly speaking and yet comforting each other even in the silence.

“No I-” Clarke swallows the lump forming in her throat, emotions swirling darkly and brightly, clawing their way up her throat and serving to confuse the absolute shit out of her. “I can finish this later.” She forces a gentle smile on her mouth, setting down her own paintbrush. She has no idea how she’s managed to get paint all over her again, she could have sworn she wasn’t being that messy, but then again, she can never tell when she’s lost in the zone.

“You’re a colorful mess.” Lexa’s voice is barely above a whisper. It’s so gentle and Clarke can feel her own heart rate spiking at the sound of it like it’s the most beautiful thing she’s ever heard, and she has no idea what is going on with her… she has no idea what’s going on in general.

“You remember when we burned all of your photos with Costia?” Clarke blurts out randomly, honestly hoping to distract her own brain from overthinking the way her heart is feeling right now. There’s some mistake, there’s got to be an explanation that will actually make sense for it. Maybe she’s just tired. Whatever it is, it ought to go away… right?

“Yes.” Lexa doesn’t even seem to flinch at her name like Clarke would expect. She’s being lied to right now, in this very moment. Why is Clarke not important enough to tell? Why does the idea of Costia being back make her want to throw up? Why does Lexa’s fingers grazing her elbow make her want to gasp?

“I found a more creative way to ruin photos.” She forces out a soft smile and Lexa’s bright grin appears, making the room that is getting far too dark brighten like the sun has entered it.

“You find a creative way of doing everything.” Lexa’s eyes actually twinkle, and Clarke can feel her heart falter like when Niylah first ever held her hand.

“You’ll like them.” She side-steps her own emotions to uncover the protected canvases. Lexa is quiet behind her as she reveals them and readjust them so Lexa can look at them, she has to turn on a light and they both squint slightly as the room has grown too dark to properly assess anything.

She watches Lexa, studies her figure, her stance, the set of her jaw, her eyes as they move across the story Clarke has created for her to read. She realizes, in this moment, she did not create these canvases just for herself. She had written Lexa a story to read because Lexa is always there to do so, demanding that she be even. Clarke did not create these canvases to heal alone, she created them for her too.

As Lexa’s hand reaches out almost to trace the lines of one of the paintings she knows why. She pulls long slender fingers back, seeming to catch herself before she actually does, something she often does if Clarke has created a story she resonates with. And she has, she’s created one all about a world where they have each other’s backs.

Lexa’s eyes are teary when she finally looks at her and Clarke wants nothing more than to close the distance between them and make the light come back. “She hurt you so much.” Her jaw sets. “And yet…” Lexa’s fingers reach for another painting. “You are kind, amazing. And you will find someone who will love you right.” Lexa steps closer to her and Clarke can feel the air leave the room, a new tightness to her chest that has nothing to do with hurting.

She feels Lexa’s hand take her own, mirroring how Clarke had comforted her when she had been heart broken but Clarke… Clarke doesn’t feel heart broken in this moment. She’s been doing okay for a few months now, even fine. In fact, the only thing her heart feels is as if it’s about her burst and her head is just confused.

“You like them?” She says quietly, as if she’s small and Lexa’s smile returns, its brightness doing nothing to make Clarke’s heart feel any less massive. This is dangerous, what is this?

“I love them, you’re amazing.” Lexa whispers like it’s as big of a secret as any. She can’t read her expression properly, her own heart much to distracting but Clarke’s eyes divert down and Lexa must be close enough to see. She’s staring at the curve of her comforting smile and the thought of what that smile might feel like against her own enters her thoughts before she can even process that it’s a thought in the first place.

_What is happening?_

“Clarke, you didn’t eat your burger!” Abby does well to eliminate whatever confusing feelings had taken the air from the room, returning oxygen to Clarke’s lungs as Lexa’s hand leaves her own.

“You’re going to be famous one day you know.” Lexa says confidently as she steps around Clarke to the door of the studio.

“Don’t worry, I’ll forget you when that happens.” She teases and Lexa’s smile doesn’t waver.

“I have no doubt about it.” She says and Clarke thinks that everything is going to be fine because her heart is returning to normal and maybe Clarke just missed her, missed her a lot because Lexa is like a safe warm blanket. Whatever this is, it’ll go away, it’s not an actual crush. She’s done this a few times, it just feels like it maybe because she’s a little lonely, maybe because it’s been awhile since she’s liked anyone for real, maybe because Lexa is just special. Either way, she should stop worrying about it.

It’ll definitely go away.

 

***

 

“Clarke?” Raven snaps her fingers into her field of vision, and it makes her jump.

“What?”

“What the hell are you…” Raven trails off as she looks across the room to what Clarke had been clearly distracted by. Lexa stands, talking to customers, an air of professionalism about her with her hands behind her back and a friendly fake smile on her face. Even fake, it is still pretty, and Clarke is still confused. “What happened?”

“Hmm?” Clarke pretends to act as if she has no idea what Raven could possibly be asking as she’s cleaned the same area on the table multiple times, in fact, since she started cleaning the table she’s only cleaned the one singular spot.

“You’ve been staring at her like that all week, this is like the sixth time I’ve caught you today.” Her friend Raven’s eyebrows brush up to her hairline and come back down a few times and Clarke can feel her own heart trip over itself in a panic.

How is she supposed to answer any questions when she doesn’t even know the answers for herself? “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh my god Griffin, you do, shut up.” Raven throws her wet towel at her but the distance between them being nearly two tables apart has it falling into a wet heap on the middle of the table Clarke was meant to be cleaning.

Clarke sighs heavily contemplating her options here. She could tell the truth, tell Raven she’s been fairly confused lately and has no idea what is going on, tell her about her recently mended heart racing to a finish line every time Lexa so much as glances in her direction, explain that she’s been literally craving that touch Lexa does to her elbow, that she anticipates every smile and has started to think about it first thing in the morning.

Or she could keep her mouth shut and continue to wipe down tables. “You’re exaggerating.” She rolls her eyes. “She was gone all summer, just getting used to her being back.”

“Right.” Raven snorts. “Is that the reason you tripped into a poll yesterday when Lexa pealed off her work shirt after shift because it was so fucking hot outside and you couldn’t stop looking at her arms?” Has she been this obvious? If Raven can notice, a co-worker she’s only gotten drinks with a few times since she started over the summer can notice, Lexa must be able to see Clarke being weird?

Is she making Lexa feel weird?

God, she feels weird. “That is not why I ran into that poll. They moved that poll, specifically to give me a head injury.” She grumbles as she continues to pretend that whatever Raven is saying is a full out lie.

It seems to only amuse her new friend who releases a slight chuckle at her expense. “Is that why you couldn’t remember how to breathe when Lexa was all over you to make sure you were okay?” One of Raven’s eyebrows go up to her hairline again and Clarke watches it almost in annoyance.

“I was breathing just fine.” She’s glaring at her right now because she knows she’s right. Clarke can still feel Lexa’s hands on her face from that day, can hear her soft voice asking if she’s okay, asking her to tell her if she was dizzy, asking her to breathe.

She had been so worried, and Clarke couldn’t focus on anything but dilated pupils and her god damn perfectly structured jawline. Why had she never noticed before how perfectly Lexa had been sculpted? As an artist she should have noticed that Lexa was walking perfection long ago. She always knew she was pretty but… _damn_.

“She literally said, “Clarke breathe, did you forget?”” Raven’s voice raises up a notch when she’s imitating Lexa and it’s so very off from Lexa’s voice that it actually makes Clarke snort out a bit of laughter.

She’s shaking her head as she finally moves the wet wash cloth along the table instead of the small circle it had been in. “Oh my god Raven!”

“Tell me the truth right now Griffin or so help me-”

“Fine!” The loud answer causes a few people to look at them, one of them including Lexa. But she’s too busy to waver, eyes immediately finding that of the customers asking her questions again. So business-like and professional, the action is so Lexa that it nearly has her smiling.

Fuck she would be smiling if Raven wasn’t harassing her. “I don’t know Rae, she came back this summer and I just… started feeling weird. That is all. I don’t know what it means.” She shrugs and finishes wiping off the table and moving over to the next one. She honestly doesn’t know how to answer Raven’s questions.

“Feeling weird how?” Her friend asks calmly, back to wiping down her own table as well.

“I don’t know like… I don’t know.” She groans slightly because how does she explain something she doesn’t understand? Raven is asking for impossible answers.

“Do you think it’s legit or like another coping mechanism since Niylah?” Raven had been a nice ear over the summer while Clarke spent most of her time painting or working and Niylah was around too much Raven had seemed to take notice of Clarke’s sour moods. They were friends now mostly because Raven went out of her way to be so.

She was nice, even if she was being incredibly annoying at the very moment.

Clarke can’t help the heavy sigh that leaves her. “I don’t know Raven. Honestly, I haven’t really thought very much about Niylah this summer at all. So, I’m not sure that would make sense.”

“It could. I mean, Lexa is like the exact opposite of Niylah you know? And you told me how close you guys got after your dad. Maybe your mind is just looking for comfort, someone to fill up the void that’s still left. Even if you’re doing much better now.” She knows what Raven is doing. She’s doing what she did all summer, helping Clarke identify what emotion she’s feeling when she’s feeling it. She probably doesn’t need that, Clarke knows she could work through it silently, but she can admit, it’s nice to have someone listening.

She can’t exactly go to Lexa with these weird confusing emotions when they’re centered around her. “Do you really think that’s what it could be? I don’t know, I think I would know the difference.”

“No, this kind of thing happens all the time. I mean have you ever been into Lexa before?” Raven stops wiping down tables while Clarke keeps herself busy doing so. Raven rests against the back of a chair, watching as Clarke moves about her business.

Clarke sighs and shakes her head. “No, that’s why it’s so confusing?”

“Yeah so maybe it’s not actual feelings. Maybe you’re just confusing your deep friendship with something more?” Clarke glances up to see her eyebrow shoot up to her hairline again. God this really isn’t as helpful as she knows Raven is trying to be.

Clarke sighs and shrugs. “Maybe you’re right, which means it will go away.” She says it hopefully because the last thing she needs is to ruin her friendship with Lexa. She’s a little more important than some silly crush that will go away and honestly, she doesn’t want to deal with it.

“Definitely, but… do you think it could be more than that?” Raven quizzes curiously.

Clarke groans. “Raven,”

“What? I’m just asking,” She says innocently.

“If I had any answers do you think I would be saying “I don’t know” so much?” She looks at her with another glare, feeling a sinking feeling in her gut. What if Raven’s last question is the truth though, what if it is something more? What the hell does she do then? She can’t just tell Lexa, and it’s not like Lexa would even like her back. She’s seen Costia and every girl after Costia. Clarke is no where close to her type.

“Well no, probably not. The fact that you are so confused though, maybe I’m right, and it’s not what you think it is. But you should think about it.” Raven shrugs and grabs her rag again moving to a new table to busy herself back up, probably before Lexa notices she’s not doing anything and gives her a hard time again. She’s been doing that, she wasn’t here when Raven first started, it’s almost like she’s trying to make sure Raven realizes that she’s kind of in charge.

It’s kind of adorable really, Lexa being bossy has always been adorable. To Clarke anyway, most anyone else finds it intimidating.

“I’ve been thinking about it Raven, it’s done me no good. I still don’t understand what’s happening.” She says honestly with a slight pout, tossing her wash rag in the bucket of water on the floor.

“Hey, if you can have confusing feelings for Lexa, maybe it’s just a sign that you’re ready to get back out there, meet people?” Clarke thought about that for a moment, eyebrows furrowing as she glanced over at Lexa as she walked back toward the kitchen.

“That could be right too.” She shrugs, eyes falling away as she disappears from her view. Whatever this is, it’s bound to pass, especially if Clarke stops giving it so much attention.

_Whatever it is._

 

***

 

“Hey, Clarke, can I talk to you about something?” Lexa sounds nervous, Clarke is fairly entuned to her moods lately. So she shuts the door to her car because she can hear it in her tone, she’s asking for more time than a quick chat until Clarke races home but if Clarke is honest, Lexa doesn’t have to try that hard for Clarke’s undivided attention.

“Sure, what’s up?” Her heart has picked up gradually again and it’s almost annoying at this point. Maybe if she understood why this was happening it would be less so but perhaps understanding it would only be… scarier. She couldn’t deny anything or confuse it with something else if she knew what it was, so maybe being as clueless as she feels is a blessing in disguise.

Lexa lets out a puff of breath, her hand reaching up to rub at the back of her neck. “I was just wondering,” Lexa’s tongue peaks out of her mouth to wet her lips and Clarke finds it extremely distracting, eyes getting stuck on the slow trace they do.

Why had she never noticed how gorgeous Lexa’s mouth was before? “Why are you nervous?” Clarke finds herself blurting out, the nervous twitching of Lexa’s other hand, the stepping from one foot to the other more than obvious. Is this going to be about Costia? Does Clarke want to hear it?

Lexa’s cheekbones are more prominent when a blush grazes and tints the skin. It’s light, extremely so, but Clarke can see the change of color and… why is it so cute? “I had a thought, it might be weird. Well it is weird, but I’ve asked you before and-”

“Are you going to tell me?” Clarke smiles warmly at her and that seems to ease the tension in Lexa’s shoulders slightly. She likes the way Lexa’s posture completely changes when she starts to relax with her and let all of her normally highly built brick walls down. She knows very few people have the pleasure of seeing Lexa so calm and serene and relaxed. She knows she’s lucky to be one of those people.

She also understands that if whatever confusing feeling is surging through her chest right now doesn’t stop it might ruin that.

“You know Gustus is supposed to go on that business trip next week. And you know how I…” Lexa trails off. She’s been asked this before and for some reason Lexa is always nervous to do so. This would make it the third time even, at least since Clarke’s father died and yet here she is, nervously shaking like it’s the first and she has to explain herself.

Maybe it’s because the action makes her feel so raw and vulnerable, maybe it’s because it makes her acknowledge things Lexa is normally pushing back, shoving in the back of a closet and pretending aren’t even there. She rarely asks for help, rarely digs anything up because she doesn’t want to feel them.

If she pretends they are not there, eventually Lexa forgets that they are. “Of course I’ll stay with you.” She almost whispers it because sometimes in moments like these even the slightest raised noise makes Lexa jump and start to close up.

However, Lexa doesn’t close up, not for Clarke anyways. Most of the time she’s forcing her own walls down with her very own sledgehammer, practically doing the all the work for Clarke. She’s sure that Lexa doesn’t even realize what it means to her to be trusted so deeply by someone who doesn’t seem to trust anyone. “I know your mom is working a lot that week so she should be okay with it.” Lexa mumbles quietly and her hands tangle together to fiddle, still nervous because she’s still bare in front of her in the parking lot of a pizzeria at nine o’clock at night.

“Not that I need her permission.” Clarke teases to help her relax and feels her chest expand at the uplift of her gorgeous lips. She can almost feel her heart doing some kind of victory leap at the sight of it and it’s another confusing feeling but at least this one makes more sense than the others.

“Well you know that’s not what I mean.” Lexa snorts.

Clarke smiles as well and sees Lexa start to relax again when their eyes meet. She wishes she wouldn’t stop breathing when they’re this close, all alone and looking at each other. She wishes she could remember how, she wishes it wasn’t so damn confusing. “I know. Is Anya not as nice to you?” Clarke continues to tease and tries to ignore the gradual increase of her heart beat.

“No, she makes me do all the cooking.” Lexa pouts and somehow Clarke is sure she’s leaning closer to her. She can smell the honey scented tulips that follow her around and it makes her miss spring.

Why does Lexa look so good under the light of dim street lamps in the middle of the night than Clarke does at the light of mid-day on her best-looking day? “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah, what’s up?” Lexa sways closer to her again, close enough that Clarke starts to feel the heat of her skin on her own and she’s forgetting how to breathe again.

“So Octavia told me something at the barbeque.” She feels nervous bringing it up, feels even more so with Lexa so close to her.

“Oh yeah?” There is a brief flinch of recognition, maybe a sign of panic that passes through those green eyes and Clarke feels her heart sink in the slightest because why doesn’t she want her to know? No matter what it is, why is she keeping it from her?

“She said Costia was there, at the coast, and that you guys were… chummy?” She almost whispers it but is trying to sound unbothered, so Lexa stays open to her. So Lexa knows she can trust her with every last thing there is to trust her with.

“Chummy?” Her voice almost squeaks on the word.

“Chummy.” Clarke says with a slight shrug.

“Who says Chummy?” At the roll of Clarke’s eyes Lexa’s brief smile falls. “She was there but it wasn’t like that.” She almost sounds panicked when she says it, like the thought of Clarke thinking it was anything more than two people re-connecting on a friendly bases scares her.

But why would it, and why does Clarke have to care about this so much? “You’re not a very chummy kind of person.” She says almost nervously, looking down at her shoes. She’s not trying to accuse her of anything, she just… really wants to know.

Maybe her heart will finally shut the fuck up and stop being so weird if Lexa does say that her and Costia have been… _chummy_. “Depends on the person.”

“Right.” Lexa lets out a breath.

“She was there visiting an aunt. It was kind of weird, honestly.” Lexa sighs and she sways closer to Clarke again so that when she reaches out she can easily touch her slender fingers to Clarke’s elbow.

In the middle of the night, lit by street lamps, all alone together, Clarke can’t stop the slight tremor at the briefest hint of contact. Breath catching like it’s the first time Lexa’s ever touched her in her life. “Was it?” Oh boy this is really happening to her isn’t it?

“Yeah, I mean, we’re friends but it just felt weird.” Lexa shrugs and her slender fingers are lingering on her elbow, she can feel the brush of her thumb like she’s trying to comfort Clarke or maybe comfort herself.

All it’s doing is making Clarke’s heart hurt as it grows tight and her stomach turn with this emotion that she never thought she’d feel for this person standing in front of her. Not once had it crossed her mind growing up, not once over the dozens of touches has it ever felt like it does in this moment. What the hell is she going to do? “Weird because maybe there’s still feelings?”

“No. I don’t think so.” Lexa shakes her head but all Clarke hears is “think” and all Clarke feels is Lexa’s fingers still touching her elbow and grazing her skin and she’s forgetting to breathe again.

“You don’t think so?” She asks quietly and Lexa must find it funny or something because she’s cracking one of her bright and shiny grins.

God, she’s beautiful like the damn midnight sky on a full moon. How has Clarke ever missed this? “There are no feelings. I don’t know what Octavia thinks happened, but she gave me a hug and I gave her one back. If there were feelings, I would have come to you with it first, like I did all through high school.” Lexa tips her head to the right, squinting her eyes curiously at her. Maybe she’s going to ask her why she’s so curious about this and Clarke is fearing it because how does she answer that question?

Clarke sighs. “I know, I’m sorry.” She shrugs and looks down at her hands as they drop for her fingers to fiddle together like Lexa’s had done previously. “I don’t know why I-”

“It’s okay.” Lexa shrugs. “You were here, all alone all summer. I would have gone crazy.” Lexa’s touch squeezes around her elbow and Clarke can feel her breath catching again and she has no idea what to do.

She can’t feel this way about Lexa. Lexa is much too important for something like this? It’s only fleeting, it’s got to be. Clarke doesn’t just wake up with feelings for her best friend randomly. That’s not how Clarke functions, that’s not how Clarke works. Crushes take work, time, building. Sure… sure there’s lots to have been built here but not things like that. The way these feelings are working it’s like she’s being slapped in the face with them and that’s just never happened to her before. It’s always been gradual, with her first boyfriend Finn it had taken the entirety of freshmen year. Niylah had taken the first five months working with her at the pizzeria with correlating shifts.

Clarke doesn’t fall randomly. Clarke practically plans her own crushes. So how the fuck is this happening? “It was therapeutic.” Her voice shakes and Lexa can hear it. She knows she can but who knows the reason Lexa must convince herself of because she says nothing about it.

“Yes, and you’ve created the most beautiful collection I’ve ever seen. Speaking of, we cleared out the last of Aden’s stuff finally and I know that’s also kind of weird but if you wanted to use it while you stay, it’s just an empty room, I mean there are still stars all over the walls but that’s kind of artsy.” Lexa shrugs, flittering beats of emotions she’s buried deep, deep into the ground surfacing briefly to bare themselves vulnerably for Clarke.

How many people get so lucky? And how can Clarke basically be ruining it by developing some weird infatuation that’s come completely out of the blue? “I’m sorry.”

“I like to think that if he was able to choose, he’d want you painting there.” She grins but it almost looks painful like when Clarke talks about her Dad. It’s the same look Lexa got the first time they ever talked about her parents, the same look she gets when she talks about her parents now.

She’s lost so many people, she remembers the last time they even remotely talked about love as a concept and all Lexa did was admit how much she’s too afraid to do it anymore. “Honestly? He probably would. You know I still have that um, canvas he worked on with me when I was volunteering that art class. If you’re ready to have it now?” It’s been five years but somehow Clarke doubts Lexa might accept it even now.

Looking at it does not allow it to stay buried and Lexa prefers buried. “I thought you would have gotten rid of that by now.” She says in answer instead.

Clarke smiles briefly. “No, I promised you I would keep it. I did, I can bring it over, what Sunday?” She asks carefully watching the struggle surface along Lexa’s face as she tries to make a decision.

“Yeah Sunday, after work?” She eventually says and Clarke wonders if she’ll really take it this time. She’s tried to give it to her before, multiple times. It’s never happened.

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She misses Lexa’s touch as it falls away from her elbow, releasing her so Clarke can turn around and open her door again, take off toward her own home while Lexa stays late to help Gustus close.

“Okay, goodnight Clarke.” She gives her that gentle smirk and Clarke’s heart is flipping.

She’ll figure this out, no matter what it means, what any of it means, she’ll figure it out and she won’t hurt Lexa with any of it. “Goodnight Lexa.” She says gently and watches her small nod of goodbye before she’s getting in her car to go.


	3. autumn ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, please enjoy. :)

“You always overpack and somehow still manage to forget something you deem necessary for survival.” Lexa’s tone is light and playful, normal for them and completely adorable. The part where Clarke thinks it’s adorable is new, but she’s starting to get used to it… well sometimes. Sometimes it’s still a shock to the system.

“Excuse me but my pencils are necessary for survival.” Clarke mumbles with a roll of her eyes as she’s turning the lock into her front door.

“Of course, how could I even suggest that they aren’t?” Lexa scoffs behind her, following her past the threshold of her front door. It’s dark, with the stars in the sky there’s no light coming through her windows. Clarke’s always been kind of terrified of the dark but Lexa… Lexa is here, behind her as she moves into the house and there’s a comfort there. At least this comfort is familiar and not as foreign or surprising as all of her other emotions lately. Lexa being her comfort and her being Lexa’s is just normal.

She can’t help but squint when Lexa flicks the switch on the wall and the lights in the hallway light up the room. “You should go to the kitchen and grab those bowls you like. My mom never uses them anymore because they were my dad’s favorite. She keeps them way up on the top shelf of the pantry where she can’t see them.” Clarke gestures with her hands up as if she’s tall enough to reach them without climbing onto the counter. She knows she isn’t. Lexa however, is, not to mention her long arms, which may or may not be something Clarke’s been paying attention to a lot recently.

Lexa lets out a breath as Clarke turns to face her, standing at the bottom of her staircase. “Alright, so she won’t notice if they’re missing?” She seems unsure as she asks, her eyebrows furrowing together in slight worry.

Lexa’s always been very respectful, especially of Abby. The last thing she’d want to do is upset her. “I’ll tell her I took them if she does but again, she can’t see them, so I don’t think she’ll notice.” Clarke shrugs and grabs the railing at the end of the staircase, stepping back onto the first step.

Now that the light in the entrance hallway is on and shining in Lexa’s brown hair Clarke has the strangest urge to reach out and feel Lexa’s many small braids with her fingertips. At least this urge isn’t new, she’s wanted to do this before. Lexa’s hair is soft and long and unique and before high school Lexa used to let her play with it all the time. She can’t help but wonder now if Lexa would let her if she asked.

Is the thought childish, or is it a part of all those other complicated emotions she’s been having that she can’t quite place? “Okay.” She lets out a breath and seems to hesitate, probably because Clarke is hesitating.

“I’ll be a few minutes.” Clarke was more than tempted to reach out and touch Lexa in some subtle way that Lexa normally does with her, but she doesn’t. She just offers a half smile and turns around to bound her way up the stairs once Lexa returns it.

Clarke can’t remember where she placed her pack of pencils, so it takes her about ten minutes rummaging through the mess that is her room to find them. Though it takes her longer to leave when she finds her old notebook from high school, having it fall nearly on her head after she’s closing the drawer of her desk. The book was too loose at the top of the shelf that was connected to it and she dodges it with a slightly high-pitched squeal as it thuds beside her feet on the wooden floor.

She places the newly found set of pencils on top of the desk and bends down to pick the notebook up, flipping it open and snorting slightly as images reveal themselves. Clarke had been the greatest amateur artist back then. It hadn’t even been really a focus either, even though she did it all the time.

She gets halfway through flipping pictures when a common theme starts to arise. It’s Lexa. She’s all over this notebook but Clarke doesn’t remember drawing her this much. Though the evidence proves differently. Lexa reading a book in the library. Lexa kicking a soccer ball across a field in her school jersey. Lexa eating lunch at a table alone. Lexa smiling, Lexa’s hands, Lexa’s hair, Lexa’s eyes. Sometimes she’s highly defined, other times she’s just a brief outline. But so much of it is Lexa, a lot of it is Lexa.

_Almost all of it is Lexa._

It’s probably the only reason Clarke panics when she hears Lexa making her way upstairs and opening the door to her room. She slams the notebook shut so fast that there’s no way she can disguise the guilty expression that surfaces on her face. She can’t show Lexa this, she can barely look at it herself without feeling the same confusion take up a massive place in her heart like it has been doing for days. How the hell would she even explain this to her?

Why did she draw her so much? Why didn’t she realize how much she had?

“What do you have there?” Lexa smiles briefly, gentle green eyes twinkling like Clarke has an embarrassing secret that she can’t wait to expose. Playful Lexa makes the strings of Clarke’s heart ache and thin out and she’s unsure of what will happen with it when the strings finally give out.

“Nothing.” She mumbles out quickly and heads back over to the desk, though it unfortunately is so very close to her door where Lexa is presently standing with twinkling curious eyes that look stunning even in the low light of a lamp lit room.

“You are quite red; it must be embarrassing.” Lexa’s eyebrows wiggle at her and it’s incredibly attractive but she tries not to think about that, reaching up to try and place the notebook back in its place. “I can help you with that.” Lexa says with a smile and reaches over to snatch the book from Clarke.

But Clarke would rather die then let Lexa see what’s in this notebook, so she squeals and nearly falls on her ass trying to escape her. “It’s fine I have it.” She’s acting even weirder now, the realization of how much she’s been drawing Lexa with the minor possibility that Lexa could find out as well was too much for her to figure the hell out all in one night.

“Do you?” Lexa asks with pure amusement in her tone, an eyebrow now quirked up with a glint in green eyes. She has no idea what’s in this notebook and Clarke wonders briefly if Lexa thinking its dirty pictures is better than her actually knowing what’s inside of it.

“It’s private.” Clarke says with a slightly higher pitched tone, walking to the other side of her room to shove it in a drawer she hasn’t opened in a decade. She’s slightly shaking, and she doesn’t think it’s unreasonable to be. What the hell would she tell Lexa if she looked at this notebook? No doubt she’d have questions but Clarke doesn’t have any answers for those questions so she can’t see it. She just can’t.

“Must be very, _very_ personal if you are too afraid to show me.” Lexa’s playful smirk makes Clarke’s stomach twist when she looks at her again.

She really has no idea. “It’s not like that.” She snaps, unhelpful for her case. The more she acts so obtuse about it the more Lexa’s going to want to know what’s behind the cover.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to share your porn art with me.” Lexa’s hand reaches out to pick up Clarke’s pencil case.

Clarke almost laughs because she knows if she were to draw porn art of any kind, she wouldn’t have minded Lexa seeing it at all. In fact, she’s done pieces that are slightly… less safe for work and Lexa’s seen plenty of them. “It’s not porn art.” She says it without thinking. She shouldn’t have said anything because Lexa wouldn’t budge if it was, especially if Clarke didn’t want her to see it.

Lexa lets out a low chuckle that’s so attractive Clarke almost rolls her eyes at herself instead of Lexa. “Oh, I’m sure, you would never do something so scandalous.” She’s got a wicked smile on her face, one that Clarke finds herself studying even as she’s rolling her eyes.

“Lexa!” She means it in warning but the adrenaline of keeping the notebook away from Lexa’s prying eyes has left her slightly on edge, appearing obviously in her voice.

“Clarke.” She answers steadily and for a moment Clarke forgets that she’s not supposed to stare at her best friend the way she presently is or draw her a thousand times over either.

 

***

 

“This is my favorite movie.” Clarke mumbles as she rests her chin on top of her knees, arms wrapped around her legs to keep them as close to her chest as she can get them, practically curled in a little ball with Lexa right beside her. There’s something about the old film that always makes her think of her Dad, perhaps because he had first watched it with her, perhaps because the lead man in it looks a lot like him, she isn’t sure.

Lexa who still smells like honey scented tulips and fresh air is quick to reply. “I’m well aware. You made me watch it with you all summer when we were thirteen.” Lexa turns her head to look at her, she can see it in the corner of her eye, but she keeps her eyes locked on the screen.

“You loved it.” Clarke mumbles tiredly as she continues to feel Lexa’s eyes on her from her left. She fights looking back at her. Lately when they’ve looked at each other, Clarke is absolutely sure it’s all in her head, but it feels like Lexa can read her. It feels like the world stops spinning just for that moment and it’s massive and Clarke is afraid of it. She doesn’t even know what it means, or how to define it. The last thing she needs is Lexa to notice and ask her what the hell is going on when she doesn’t have a clue as to how to answer a question like that.

She has no real idea.

She mostly just doesn’t understand it. “Clarke, you’re really doing okay right?” She can feel Lexa slightly tug on the cuff of her jeans, but she doesn’t make the effort to look at her really, only glancing down to notice her fingers curling around the blue material.

“Yes.” She mumbles. “Much better than when you left. I promise.” She chances a look at Lexa, just to give her a reassuring smile and grows slightly annoyed at the drastic increase of her own heartbeat. She wonders if Lexa can hear it? Hell, she wonders if Lexa can practically feel it from across the small space.

She’s absolutely positively sure she can. “Was all summer alone really that relaxing? I feel like it would be too quiet.” Her eyebrows furrow with the question, as if she’s trying to imagine what Clarke had done all alone for three months.

She knows Lexa had missed her, the frequent text messages were enough to go by, but she wonders if Lexa had realized how much Clarke had also missed her? She wonders if she should tell her, or if telling her will arise questions she still can’t figure out the answers for. “For you, it would have been too quiet.” Clarke leans back against the couch to give her a sympathetic smile and Lexa returns it slightly before her eyebrows furrow together and she’s staring at the television again.

But now that Clarke has broken, she can’t stop. She can’t stop staring at her. Has she always looked this good or is Clarke just really lonely? Is what Clarke’s feeling real or is it a trick? Maybe it’s underlining, like it’s always been here, and Clarke just didn’t realize that this is what it was and now she’s late, very late to the party. If that was the case, that would be kind of terrible.

Lexa would never feel this way though, not about her anyways. It doesn’t make sense to Clarke herself; how would it make sense to Lexa? “Do you miss his room?” She finds herself asking before she can stop herself, Lexa clearly deep in her own world that it takes her a moment to register that Clarke had even spoken to her.

It’s easy to tell when she has though, her eyes are expressive in that way, at least with Clarke they always have been. “I do. To be honest I left the stars on the wall because I can’t get rid of everything he liked. Gustus won’t even go in there though, one of us had to do it.” Lexa’s tongue breaks the space between her lips to wet them as if they’ve gone too dry and Clarke blinks her eyes to force herself to not watch the action too closely.

“My mom won’t talk about my dad at all.” Clarke shrugs and looks back at the movie as well, ignoring the overwhelming urge to continue staring at Lexa. She really needs to get a handle on this. Perhaps spending this week with her will solve her problem. She’ll see that Lexa is the same old Lexa she’s always been friends with and whatever new developing feelings will just wither away.

It wouldn’t be the first time that something like that were to happen. “It hasn’t been that long since you lost him. It’ll be easier to talk about him eventually.” Lexa slides across the couch to close the distance between them and Clarke thinks she’s beginning to have a heart attack. “Do you want to talk about him?” She can feel Lexa’s fingers slide into her hair and pull the strands behind her ear and she doesn’t think she’ll be able to utter a single thing without sounding completely useless.

Lexa’s touch burns like fire and it takes everything she has to not gasp as at the small trail of fingertips against her neck. “I want her to talk about him. I think, I don’t think it would make it better, but I think it would help her.” Her throat feels dry and she finds herself reaching for the water bottle on Lexa’s living room table.

“He would be proud of you for taking care of her the way you have.” Looking at her in such a close proximity is a mistake because Clarke can’t breathe anymore, and Lexa’s eyes are so damn green she’s forgetting that she’s not supposed to look at her friends like this.

She swallows and Lexa’s eyes glance down as if she’s watching the action. She wonders if Lexa can read her as if she’s a book she just opened. Maybe that would be better, maybe then Lexa would be able to figure out what Clarke is feeling, and Clarke wouldn’t have to do it herself. “I think he would have been disappointed in me for not going to school.” She tells her honestly, confiding in her beyond distracting thoughts.

Lexa’s smile is small and sympathetic and god damn pretty. “You’re going to school now.” She mumbles softly, slender fingers scooting through the strands of her hair again, gentle and soft and Clarke nearly melts to the action. She almost can’t help it, can’t stop herself.

She smiles back. “You know what I mean.”

“So, New York wasn’t it. That’s okay. You run at your own pace; he would understand. He just wanted you to be happy.” Lexa’s fingers trail across her cheek, her thumb rubbing gently across her jaw and Clarke’s eyes slip down to her mouth and she finds herself wondering what they’d feel like, what they’d taste like. The space between them is so small, it wouldn’t take much to find out.

_But at what cost?_ “He did.” Clarke smiles a little bit and takes in a deep breath in hopes it will steady her heartbeat. “Are you still planning on taking over Gustus’s restaurant?” She forces her eyes back up into Lexa’s and maybe that’s worse than looking at her mouth.

She has to back up from her, the space is necessary. “Yes, that hasn’t changed. I couldn’t leave him, but I did decide to take some Culinary classes at the community college.” Lexa’s got a small smirk on her lips as she says that.

Clarke returns her smile, a slight surge of pride that Lexa is doing things for herself now finds itself surging through her, taking over the confusing feelings that had been taking place. “You didn’t tell me you were going to do that.” The pride edging into her tone.

“I am telling you now.” Lexa says with a slight shrug and falls back against the couch more comfortably, the space between them becoming more distant and Clarke doesn’t know if she’s grateful or disappointed.

“Can I be your taste-tester?” She asks and immediately feels her cheeks begin to heat up as Lexa eyes her carefully.

She hopes she doesn’t notice using the tactic of hair in her face to cover the color on her face. “There’s nobody’s opinion I trust more.” Lexa says confidently and Clarke finds herself smiling.

 

***

 

“Fuck,” Clarke grumbles as smoke billows from the oven. “Can’t you watch a timer?” Clarke snaps unpleasantly. The rush of dinner, the start of classes, and the unfortunate realization that she might be completely into her best friend is bad enough. Working nearly every shift with her ex has not made anything better.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Niylah’s jaw clenches, eyes ablaze as Clarke rolls her own.

“This is the third pizza you’ve burnt today, what the fuck is YOUR problem?” It’s as if every frustration she’s ever had with her ex-girlfriend is starting to billow out like the smoke from the oven.

“You aren’t communicating any orders with me Griffin, look you can go back to ignoring me all you want outside of this kitchen, but while we have to work together you’ve got to put your resentment aside.” Niylah’s eyes flash with what must be the same amount of absolute irritation and it only serves to worsen Clarke’s mood.

Clarke snorts. “Resentment. You’re the one burning the pizzas! I have been placing the tickets in the exact same spot I always do, it’s not my fault you aren’t paying attention, as usual.” She scoffs and tries to fan out some of the dark smoke.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Niylah’s voice has risen to the dangerous levels of shouting and Clarke knows they could probably get in trouble if either of them doesn’t settle down.

“Alright!” Lexa’s voice echoes beside them. “Guys please, I understand you’re both stressed out but now is not the time to take it out on each other. Clarke it’s fine, just dispose of the pizza, Niylah work on remaking it, what order was this 270?” Lexa has a way of appearing more in charge when Gustus isn’t around and the bossy attitude kind of turns Clarke on, but she tries not to think about that when Lexa’s leveling that stern look at her and scolding them both.

“Yes.” Niylah answers, jaw still clenching as her hands tangle to twist at the end of the apron, something she only does when she’s frustrated, and Clarke tries to ignore that she knows that detail about her. Lexa doesn’t notice or care.

“I’ll try and see if I can get someone else to come in and help but you both need to stop bickering over everything, figure it out or there will be repercussions. As for this we’ll have to offer them a refund but one of you is paying for it.” It is the third pizza of the day to go down the drain and Lexa’s probably just fed up of hearing them. She levels Clarke with a look as she leaves but she isn’t sure if it’s one meant to reassure her, or one meant to scold her.

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

Clarke watches her go, trying not to let her eyes stray too much on her figure before heaving out a heavy sigh and disposing of the burnt pizza. She glances at Niylah who has now turned her back to Clarke, positioned at the station to review the order again and re-make it.

Clarke releases another sigh. “Hey,”

Niylah doesn’t even look up. “What? You have something else to yell at me for?” Niylah’s attitude lately really just makes Clarke want to dump every pizza topping she comes across on her damn head.

But she takes in yet another deep breath and tells herself they need to figure out how to work together if they want to keep their jobs. “No, I just, I’ll pay for their pizza okay.” She offers, even though she’s aware that this pizza is only burnt because of Niylah but she won’t say that right now.

“Shouldn’t I do that if I burnt it?” Niylah’s voice is carrying a heavy amount of snark and Clarke takes in another breath as to not automatically react to it. Sometimes Clarke wonders how the hell they got here since they never used to fight at all. But that had been a different time with different feelings and different circumstances.

“Niylah, I’m trying here, it’s not easy. Just work with me.” She tries to communicate her sincerity in her look, but it doesn’t do anything when Niylah doesn’t even look at her.

She was never this cold even in the beginning days of their breakup, now with four months, nearly five even, behind them and suddenly the world has gone to ice around her. “I could say the same.” A beat of awkward silence passes them before she briefly glances at her. “Thanks.” She mumbles quietly and Clarke nods her head, heading out of the kitchen to tell the customers what is going on. That and she can finally put some extra space between them for a few minutes.

Being on shift with Niylah is the best way to test her patience and so far, she’s been through about thirty emotions in the last twenty minutes. They never used to bicker this much, but now it’s almost as if it’s impossible to stop. Every other conversation that isn’t bickering is empty and lifeless and has no meaning. They’re just grasping into the air but there’s nothing to grab and it’s terribly sad.

Clarke has no idea what to do in this kind of situation.

“Hey Griffin, what are you doing out here?” Raven’s eyes twinkle in greeting and her mouth pulls up into a happy grin that Clarke could use right about now.

“What table is 270. I need to give them a refund and pay for their pizza.” Clarke lets out a heavy sigh and rests her hip against the counter where Raven is stationed behind the cash register.

“Oh, that’s over there.” Raven points at a table fairly close to the counters, two women and a little girl. “Are you okay? You look exhausted.” Her eyebrows furrow in concern and Clarke gives her a reassuring smile.

“You have no idea.” She adds with a heavy sigh.

Raven gives her a sympathetic smile in return. “Is it Niylah?”

“Not completely, though she’s not exactly helping.” Clarke rolls her eyes and stays at her place against the counter beside Raven, checking over the costumers again as one of the women makes the little girl giggle loudly.

“I’ve heard you guys a few times.” Raven looks at her sheepishly and Clarke lets out a long-exaggerated sigh.

“It’s just been a long day.” Raven passes Clarke the refund.

“You want to get a drink after work?”

“No, I just want to go to bed, rain check?”

“Definitely.”

 

***

 

She thinks she has pizza sauce on her shirt, which she has no idea how that is even possible as she changed in the car, but she swears that’s what the red splotch is on her shirt. She’s too busy wiping at it as she half jogs her way to her class to look where she’s going, and the world proves itself not on her side when she collides right into a body.

The world proves her luck even worse when she realizes who it is. “Oh Clarke! I’m so sorry!” Costia gives her a worried look as she helps her steady herself by holding onto her elbow. Costia has always been overly nice but when Clarke sees her face, she just sees the nights she spent staying up late with Lexa when she couldn’t sleep. She sees Lexa pushing food around on her plate because she couldn’t eat. She sees Lexa, her Lexa, crying silently by herself by the big tree in her backyard.

Costia had broken up with her at the worst time in her life and Clarke assumes she’ll never forgive her for that.

“No, no it was my fault.” Clarke grumbles slightly and readjusts her bag that had fallen off her shoulders and nearly onto the ground. Costia only let’s go when Clarke seems steady, but Clarke wishes she’d of let go long before that, or never touched her at all.

“I haven’t seen you in, what three years?” Costia asks with a curve of her eyebrows, knitting together in curiosity and Clarke just watches her for a moment before nodding her head in reply. “How are you?” She asks, lips curving up into a friendly smile and Clarke stomach drops slightly.

She really doesn’t have time for a conversation and she kind of doesn’t have any idea how to act around Costia right now and she partially doesn’t like her anyways because of her loyalty to Lexa. The entire situation is already too stressful for a day that’s already been incredibly so. “I’ve been good, actually I need to get to class, I’m nearly late, we can do this later maybe.” She tries to sound friendly, or at least pleasant but she’s sure part of it comes off tired, her voice already rough from working all day and the slight distaste that Costia always leaves in her wake.

“Hey, wait,” Costia touches at Clarke’s sleeve as she makes to escape past her, effectively bringing her to a stop.

Clarke wants nothing more than to keep going but she allows Costia to keep her back anyway though she can’t pinpoint why she would. Maybe she’s just too nice for her own good, maybe it’s because Lexa wouldn’t want her to be mean to Costia. She has no idea which of the two is truer at this point. “How’s Lexa?”

Clarke’s eyebrows knit. “Don’t you already know that? Heard you’re both talking?” The fact leaves a bad taste her mouth when she says it out loud. Almost as if she had taken a large bite out of the pizza Niylah had burnt at work earlier.

“Oh, not too much, just a bit. Not recently anyways.” Costia’s eyes reflect her emotions well, or at least the ones she’s going for. A forlorn kind of sadness at the realization that Lexa will hardly talk to her.

Maybe it is sad, but Clarke doesn’t have time to care. “Well, she’s good too.”

“Do you guys want to come to my Halloween party?” Costia seems to blurt it out, it feels so random and Clarke is sure the surprise surfaces on her face. “Well, if you want to and aren’t doing anything? I mean, I just transferred here, and I’d love to catch up.” Her eyes go back to twinkling, that sadness vanishing and being replaced with whatever outside emotion she’d rather Clarke see from her.

“With Lexa.” She doesn’t bother to hide the slight annoyance that enters her tone when she says it. She can’t help it. She really just wants to get away from her, and wrap a blanket around Lexa and whisk her away from whatever potential dangers her heart could be in.

A blush surfaces across her face and Clarke feels a wave of protectiveness overtake itself inside of her chest, a surge of burning. “We were friends too.” She says quietly, eyes casting down at her shoes and Clarke lets out a soft sigh.

“Yeah.” She licks her lips. “I’ll talk to Lexa about it, though I’m sure you could just ask her yourself.” She wishes Costia had because than they wouldn’t have to talk to each other but at the same time she doesn’t really like Costia talking to Lexa though it’s not her place to make that decision. If Lexa believes she can be friends with her Clarke would accept it, but it doesn’t mean she has to like her.

“Well I know you guys got… really close. I just figured you guys finally… I don’t know.” Costia shrugs and doesn’t meet her eyes and Clarke’s eyebrows furrow together not catching on to her meaning.

A deeper confusion taking over the negative feelings that Costia normally brings out in her. “What?”

“So you’re not?” Costia’s eyes almost look hopeful.

Still confused Clarke asks, “What?”

“Dating?” A slight raise of Costia’s eyebrow has Clarke nearly spluttering.

“Oh,” Clarke nearly chokes on her own spit. “Oh no, no, no.” She shakes her head furiously, her face feeling inflamed as an amused grin surfaces on Costia’s face. “God no.” She isn’t sure why it comes across as if it’s the most disgusting idea in the world but for some reason it escapes her that way.

“Oh okay. I just thought maybe…”

“No, no.” Clarke thinks maybe that’s the only word she even knows how to say anymore. Her and Lexa dating? Her and Lexa… DATING?

“I should let you get to your class. Talk to Lexa for me anyway?” Her touch is at Clarke’s sleeve again and she has the urge to rip her arm away from her.

“Yeah,” She chokes out and Costia smiles too big at that.

“Bye Clarke.”

“Bye.” She says weakly and watches Costia saunter off into the distance in the opposite direction she’s meant to go. She feels a sick feeling entering her gut, but she can’t quite identify what it’s for. Is it for Costia and her obvious interest in Lexa, or is it for Costia thinking her and Lexa were dating?

Clarke is tired of this day.

 

***

 

They haven’t spoken. Clarke’s been in this room all day, and at some point, Lexa had joined her. She came home from her class, walked into the room, sat down at the desk in the corner and co-existed. They’ve done this hundreds of times before. Hell, they did this in high school all the time. But this time, Clarke seems very aware of her presence.

_She’s so distracting._

The sun is just coming down but it’s still bright enough to shine in her hair through the window and sparkle in her eyes and she’s so pretty that Clarke can’t seem to look at anything else. She wants to speak, just to hear her talk but at the same time she doesn’t because the silence is comfortable, and Lexa is relaxed and so focused on what she is doing, and she looks adorable when she knits her eyebrows like that.

Clarke sighs quietly and shakes her head, breaking her eyes off of her friend. She’s really not helping herself and her situation. She’s not even trying to be reasonable anymore, she’s just letting everything get messy and confusing and she’s stopped trying to control herself and it’s become a big issue.

What would Lexa say if she ever found out what was happening in Clarke’s head?

She’d probably be horrified, or at least, incredibly confused.

Clarke thinks about that notebook she found, now tightly tucked away in the drawer of her nightstand. She’s been going through it in the middle of the night when her brain doesn’t shut off and there’s no one around to witness Clarke’s feelings spiraling out of her control. Even if it requires sneaking out of Lexa’s house and over to her own to do so.

Her eyes catch Lexa again as she’s writing something down before slowly highlighting something in the book she’s reading, and she lets out another breath. If she has an entire notebook full of Lexa already, maybe it wouldn’t hurt to try and do something like that again? Maybe it will help her sort out her thoughts, it must have helped before, or something like that.

It must help now.

Painting always helps.

So maybe that’s why she discards what she’s been working on all day to start something new. Maybe that’s why she spends as much time staring at Lexa as she does creating her on a canvas. There are a million reasons Clarke can come up with but there’s one she will refuse to acknowledge, even if it’s the most obvious of answers. Clarke will paint her a hundred times before even considering that these feelings are set in stone, permanent.

These feelings can’t be permanent because it wouldn’t make any sense. There’s no reason. Raven is probably right, but now she doesn’t need to dwell on it. All she needs to worry about it what she is presently doing. Colors, canvas, Lexa in the sunlight. It’s fine.

“Clarke,” The blonde jumps, having been more focused on what she was doing then paying attention to her surroundings. Lexa is behind her, head cocked to the right at the painting, soft affection in her eyes and it makes Clarke’s heart swell before jumping into her throat. “Are you painting me?” God she’s never heard her tone so soft before, so delicate and gentle as if she’s asking the most personal of questions.

She clears her throat in hopes it will help her voice stabilize. “Yes?” The simple word comes out high and squeaky and Lexa’s smile only widens, green eyes twinkling with the gesture and Clarke’s heart feels as if it’s soaring.

“You’ve never done that before.” She says, excitement in her tone.

Clarke can feel her cheeks color as her mind heads back to the notebook buried in her drawer upstairs. “Yeah, I didn’t like what I was doing, and you were… over there being all studious.” She’s almost whispering, being so obvious she’s sure the feelings she can’t identify, and name have begun to paint themselves on the canvas as well.

“Studious is paint worthy?”

“I guess so.” Clarke is really hoping Lexa doesn’t pay attention to the fact that her face has turned into an actual tomato.

“I’ll take it.” Lexa’s smile splits along her face and Clarke’s heart is aching with something entirely new. The strings that keep it together feel even thinner. Lexa is doing something to her, something powerful and she has no idea what it is. “You are a magnificent artist.” She breathes carefully, eyes going over the rough and entirely nowhere close to finished work in progress.

“Well maybe you can go back to studying so I can get this to magnificent level?” Clarke teases, a smile forming as she’s unable to stop it.

“Of course, of course.” Lexa throws her hands up in surrender and scurries back to her desk, though a firm smile seems to staple itself to her lips and Clarke can’t help but feel really happy at that. Lexa is so supportive of her art, more appreciative than even her father was, taking time to learn the terms and hues and even taking lessons to help Clarke with it when she’s got a specific project that requires multiple hands.

Clarke wonders if she’s been taking Lexa for granted in this aspect as she’s grown so used to her being here all the time that she hardly blinks an eye at all the effort Lexa puts in. Though maybe that’s just how their friendship works. Clarke’s gone out of her way to understand the things Lexa makes, letting Lexa teach her how to cook dishes she can hardly pronounce. Maybe it’s not something that needs to be said between them because it’s said in all the little things they manage to do to support each other.

Maybe Clarke is so confused by her feelings because her and Lexa really do have a really deep and meaningful connection and friendship. Maybe she should stop trying to analyze everything and accept that she has deep affections for Lexa, it doesn’t have to be more than it is. Lexa is a true and deep friend.

She needs to stop mixing everything up all the time before she makes a mess of things that she can’t clean up.

 

***

 

“Are you feeling okay Clarke?” Abby asks and Clarke snaps her gaze from where it was watching Lexa clean dishes in the kitchen to her as quickly as possible.

“Yeah, I’m fine, why?” She hopes her voice doesn’t sound as high as she hears it, feeling a blush creep up her neck at the thought of her mother noticing where her focus has been all night and that’s certainly not on their conversations, or their meal. A lot of it had been on Lexa’s hands as they prepared dinner, as they served it, as they cut into her own food.

“You just seem spacey honey.” Abby’s hand comes up to her forehead in natural mom fashion, checking for a temperature that isn’t there.

Clarke turns her head, knocking her hand off. “Mom,” She complains. “I’m fine.” She says again and Abby narrows her eyes at her.

“Okay. You normally get spacey when you’re not feeling well.” She says knowingly. Her mom has turned into the biggest worry wart since the passing of her father, but she can’t really blame her, and it doesn’t really bother her.

“She also loses her appetite. And with the way she inhaled her food I think she’s fine.” Lexa smiles at them from where she leans against the entrance frame and Clarke can feel herself getting distracted again.

_How is Lexa this captivating?_

“Maybe you’re right, are you girls going to that movie now?” Abby asks as she takes a look at her own watch around her wrist.

Lexa replies and her smile is pure and genuine as her and Clarke meet eyes. “Yes.”

“Just the two of you?” Clarke snaps her head to her mother when she says that though her eyes remain on Lexa, aloof curiosity.

“No, Anya and Raven from work are supposed to meet us there.” Lexa’s smile remains and Clarke slightly wonders what has her in such a good mood today but she finds that whether she knows the answer or not she like seeing Lexa smile.

“Yeah I’m trying to get Lexa to socialize with more people.” Clarke teases slightly, feeling herself light up slightly at the roll of Lexa’s green eyes.

“I am plenty social.” She mumbles with her arms crossed along her chest.

“She has a point; you tend to hermit.” Abby says teasingly and Clarke’s heart surges as the slight growth of Lexa’s smile.

“How could you say that after this summer?” She asks with pure offense, a slight tilt of her lips to show that she’s relaxed.

“Outside of the surfing competition I don’t think you spoke to anyone new.” Abby says thoughtfully and Clarke snorts as Lexa rolls her eyes.

“Alright, enough of you Griffins’ ganging up on me. Clarke we should really get going.”

“I’ll be at Lexa’s still tonight and we’ll get back late.” She tells her mom and watches her face to make sure she’s going to be okay. Some days she really can’t handle being alone for extended periods of time and today sort of felt like one of those days.

“That’s okay, you should be out, having fun.” Abby pats the top of Clarke’s hand on the table. “Go have fun, I’ll be just fine.”

“Call me if you need to okay?”

“I’m your mother Clarke, I’m supposed to be the one saying that.”

“Family takes care of family.” Clarke answers as she stands, leaning over to press a kiss to her mother’s cheek.

“I love you.” Abby says softly and Clarke waves at her one last time as she walks out the front door that Lexa’s holding open for her.

“See you later Abby.”

“Goodbye Lexa.” She calls out before Lexa pulls the door shut behind her.

They walk quietly down the sidewalk, shoulders brushing, and Clarke has the undeniable urge to take Lexa’s hand into her own as it hangs at her side. “Are you sure about this Raven, she’s always giving me strange looks at work.” Lexa asks softly as they reach the car, her arms pulling up to cross in front of her again as if to protect her from the new person Clarke is forcing her to communicate with.

“Well, you’re kind of her boss, she gets nervous around authority because she wants to tell them to fuck off.” Clarke says with a grin as Lexa chuckles and nods her head in understanding.

“Hmm… my kind of girl.” She responds and Clarke can’t help the laugh that leaves her.

“Oh really?” She asks curiously and cocks her head to the right as she stares at her, evaluating what that statement means.

Lexa narrows her eyes at her. “What? She’s pretty.”

“Mhm.” Clarke finds herself replying, a slight turn in her gut as the words that leave Lexa’s lips. She does think Raven is pretty, very pretty, of course Lexa would think so too.

“You don’t think she’s pretty?” Lexa asks, one eyebrow arching up slightly with her question and Clarke finds herself watching it a moment.

“She’s pretty.” She agrees studying Lexa as she raises her chin and her gaze finds the stars. There’s a slight moment of silence before she’s pulling the passenger door open for Clarke and she willingly clamors in, taking her eyes off Lexa long enough even though she doesn’t know what she’s thinking.

Lexa moves around the car looking entirely too pensive for the dinner they just had, and Clarke wants to ask but she doesn’t. She doesn’t say anything while Lexa starts the car, backs out of the driveway, and begins to drive down their street.

The silence extends for a small amount of time until Lexa is speaking again, pulling Clarke’s gaze from the window and back onto her. “You both seem rather cozy or what’s that word Octavia uses, chummy?” Lexa’s smile isn’t genuine, and Clarke allows herself this small amount of time to overthink about what that could mean.

“We’re friends, she’s funny, you’ll see.” She encourages, though her thoughts are causing her eyebrows to noticeably furrow.

“And how funny is funny? Funny like she’s really pretty so I’ll laugh at her bad jokes or funny because she’s actually funny?” Lexa’s got that tone she gets when she’s in charge of the pizzeria and Clarke’s aware of the things it’s started to do to her. Her body is already reacting, and she really has no idea why it does that.

She can’t remember it doing that before. “Both.”

Lexa scoffs. “Sure. Has she asked you out yet?” Both her eyebrows arch with the question as if she’s not looking forward to the answer and Clarke wonders what has gotten into her in the space of only a few minutes.

She can’t help but to start laughing at the absurdity of her and Raven going out. “We don’t have that kind of chemistry.” And she’s well aware they really don’t. Sure, Raven was gorgeous, but she has a slight feeling that kissing her would be like kissing her cousin.

“She’s looked at your ass on multiple occasions.” Lexa informs her as if Clarke should be aware and it just makes Clarke laugh a bit more.

“You’ve looked at my ass before, does that mean you want to date me?” She isn’t sure why she asks that question, what causes her to think it’s a bright idea to ask when she’s been in such a weird headspace around Lexa lately.

But she’s said it and the silence that expands between them for a notable amount of time is probably all in Clarke’s head, but it makes her heart speed up a thousand notches, nonetheless. “Do you want to date her?” Lexa’s voice is harder than normal, still soft, but there’s a rigidness to the way she asks it and the only reason Clarke notices is because she’s known her for so damn long.

She wants to reassure her, but she doesn’t really know what she’s reassuring her of. “No, we’re friends. We have platonic energy.” She can feel herself emphasizing the word platonic and she doesn’t know if it’s because she wants to convince Lexa, she has no feelings for Raven because she really doesn’t or because she doesn’t want Lexa thinking she does.

Lexa snorts. “Platonic energy. That’s cute.”

A blush creeps across Clarke’s face before she can stop it. “If I did, what would you say?” It’s a challenge but what Clarke hopes to achieve with the challenge she isn’t sure.

“I would say I’m glad you’re moving on but maybe be careful with co-workers, just in case.” Lexa shrugs but that same rigidness that has been there earlier remains as she answers the question.

“In case it’s another Niylah scenario?” She doesn’t know why she’s pressing this matter this way. What does she want Lexa to say? What would she even do if Lexa were to respond differently than she presently is?

“Yes, but I don’t say that in a critical way, more in an overprotective friend way.” Lexa offers her a smile as she turns her head briefly to meet her eyes before she’s looking at the road again and Clarke can feel a surge of affection rush through her.

“Overprotective Lexa is cute.” She says bravely, though again she has no idea what she hopes to accomplish.

A light blush grazes Lexa’s high cheekbones though and that makes Clarke’s heart flip so she thinks maybe that’s all she wanted. “I can’t go around punching lower level employees as manager. It’s bad leadership.” She informs Clarke light-heartedly and she’s happy to hear the rigidness out of her tone now.

“You’d punch people for me?” Clarke asks affectionately, her tone softening to that of a love-sick puppy.

“I’d do anything for you.” And it shouldn’t sound as romantic as it does while they drive to the movie theater through the dark but god it does.

“Ditto.” Clarke mumbles awkwardly and feels like smashing her head against the window when she turns to look out of it.

 

***

 

“You guys sure did take your time.” Anya says bemused. She even looks slightly annoyed if Clarke can read her right and by the smirk on Raven’s face, she’s pretty sure she knows who caused it. _Raven really does have her way with people._ Clarke thinks to herself, she’s starting to become more aware of that the longer the two know each other.

Odd, she actually thought they’d get along pretty well. Though Raven was a tad more upbeat than Anya, their sense of humors seemed to be on the same level. “We were having dinner with Abby.” Lexa’s hands have retreated to her pockets as she stands very close to Clarke’s side, so close that the skin of her arm is pretty much touching Clarke, though Clarke can’t feel her skin through the long sleeve shirt she’s wearing she can still feel her and the heat of her body and she finds she’s leaning more toward it to keep the touch there.

“Who’s Abby?” Raven asks curiously, eyebrows furrowing as she meets Clarke’s eyes, the question directed at the person she’s most comfortable with.

“My mom.” She answers with a slight smile trying not to think about the warmth of Lexa’s body right beside her.

“Oh,”

“Yeah, oh.” Anya says with slight annoyance and a strong eye roll.

This doesn’t seem to bother Raven who just smirks at her and Clarke wonders what kind of conversation they must have had while they waited on the two of them. “I’ll go get our tickets.” Lexa says to Clarke gently, a small touch to her elbow that distracts Clarke from her other thoughts, she can feel her attention being completely stolen and wonders if it’s obvious to the other two in their party.

_God_ she hopes not.

“Okay.” She says softly, wondering if it’s on her face when their eyes meet because Lexa seems stuck in her place for a long moment afterward and they just look. Or maybe it’s just another moment that Clarke has built up in her head and she’s confusing it and making it so much more complicated than it has to be.

Raven clears her throat and it seems to snap reality back into place, Lexa’s touch falling away from Clarke’s elbow as she walks off and Clarke’s gaze moves to her feet and then to her phone as she pulls it from her pocket to fiddle with it to keep herself distracted in hopes that nobody notices the obvious blood that has rushed to her cheeks.

“I don’t think she likes me.” Raven determines causing Clarke to look up from her phone. Anya appears to have followed Lexa to the ticket booth.

“Yeah, what happened while you guys were waiting for us?” Clarke asks curiously, she’d actually love to have been here from the beginning to see that interaction.

“Oh Anya likes me, she bought my ticket. I mean Lexa.” Raven fiddles with the paper in her hand and Clarke watches it for a moment, a furrow to her brows.

“She takes awhile to warm up to new people.” She tells her honestly. She’s not surprised Raven would assume this as Lexa can have a bit of a stand-offish and rough exterior. If only everyone who met her knew how gooey she really was in the middle like an unfinished cookie.

“Yeah, it’s more then that.” Raven determines. “It’s in her eyes when she looks at me.”

“Well even if that’s true, we’re hanging out tonight so she can get to know you better. Don’t take it personally, she takes a while to come around most of the time.” Clarke is doing her best to reassure her friend, her eyes wandering over to watch as Lexa is talking to Anya while they wait in line.

“Does she?”

“Yeah, any time I introduce her to someone new they always say the same thing. She’s just careful.”

“Hmm.” Raven seems to shrug as the two girls head back to them, conversing quietly and Clarke wonders what they’re talking about as Lexa seems to enter a slightly flustered state. “So that crush hasn’t gone away huh?” When Clarke looks back at her she’s got another amused smirk surfaced across her face and Clarke can’t help the heat on her cheeks again.

“Shut up!” She touches a cold hand to her cheek in hopes it’ll make it calm down as the two girls re-approach them.

“So lets go, we’ve got ten minutes until it starts and they’re slow as hell getting the snacks and stuff at this theater. We should have gone to the one across town.”

“The one across town doesn’t have the comfy seats.” Lexa complains immediately, the normal bickering that happens amongst Anya and Lexa is undoubtedly going to be present tonight, they act like sisters more so than any pair of sisters Clarke had ever met.

“No but they have better prices.” Anya informs with that know-it-all logical tone she gets sometimes.

“Exactly, they’re cheap and you can tell. Jasper from high school works there and I saw him stick his hand in his pants and then proceed to put the same had in the popcorn which you’re not supposed to touch anyways.” Lexa informs her as if she hadn’t told this story three times before.

“Eww.” Raven reacts, wrinkling up her nose.

“I remember that.” Clarke says with a slight snort.

“Should we go inside then?” Raven asks, tone light and friendly. Clarke watches Lexa’s expression to try and gage if Raven is picking up on something or just misunderstanding Lexa the same way most new people do and by the neutral expression that sits on her face, she’s more than sure that it’s the latter.

“Yeah we should.” Lexa makes her way around the group so that she is standing beside Clarke again and Clarke doesn’t say anything at the way they nearly press together when there’s plenty of space to be taken between them. Maybe Lexa likes the feeling as much as Clarke does.

 

***

 

“I forgot to tell you earlier,” Clarke whispers as Lexa stares at the screen with the most bored expression a person could ever produce on their face. This wasn’t her pick, it was Anya and technically Raven’s as well and the two of them were thoroughly invested, eyes glued, and they kept mumbling to each other about specific scenes.

They seemed distracted enough, so Clarke was taking this opportunity to entertain Lexa who looked as if she was about to fall asleep. “What?”

“I ran into Costia on campus.”

“Oh… really?”

“Yeah.” Clarke swallows slightly and can feel that uncomfortable reality setting into her chest that Lexa probably would have wanted to know about this sooner, probably the day that it had happened, but Clarke had been exhausted on Wednesday, and her time with Lexa alone was short anyway. She didn’t really want Costia taking up that space.

But she knows that was selfish of her. She should have said something sooner. “She invited us to her Halloween party.”

“Halloween, that’s not for another month.”

“People do plan ahead sometimes Lexa.” Clarke teases lightly and Lexa rolls her eyes though she gives Clarke a grin in return.

“Do they?” She whispers closer to her ear and Clarke shivers slightly as her breath brushes against the shell of her ear.

“They do. She asked how you were.” Clarke distracts herself by playing with a uselessly placed button on the end of her long-sleeved black shirt.

“Was it uncomfortable, you look as if it was uncomfortable.”

“It was a little weird, she seemed really interested in you.” Clarke whispers, fingers falling away as Lexa’s fingers come around her wrist to play with the same button. She watches her do it, watches the movement of her fingers and how comforting the action is. She thinks about how this may be considered a subtle friendly touch to Lexa but to Clarke its starting to feel like something else.

“She probably could have just asked me that herself.”

“I said that.” Clarke whispered back, breaking her gaze off of Lexa’s fingers playing with the useless button on her sleeve and turning toward Lexa, pressing closer so she doesn’t have to talk too loud and disturb anyone else, and so she can feel the heat of Lexa’s body the same way she was earlier.

“Do you want to go?” Lexa asks as she meets her eyes and the flashes of the movie make the color in her eyes seem as if they’re changing from frame to frame.

Clarke is almost mesmerized by them. “Go?” She asks with confusion in her tone and a furrow to her own eyebrows.

Lexa’s beautiful smile stretches across her mouth wider than normal and her free hand reaches up to trace the furrow of Clarke’s brows. The action is so gentle, small but feels like so much and Clarke’s heart leaps into her mouth, clogging up her throat from managing to say anything else.

“Do you want to go to her party?” Lexa’s touch trails down her cheek and through her hair and along the side of her ear and down her neck and Clarke can barely think about anything else but the soft delicate feeling Lexa’s fingers leave in their wake.

Her skin burns and she has a desire to be an absolute idiot and close the distance between them despite their surroundings. “Do you?”

“Only if you do.”

_It’s a simple touch Griffin, get ahold of yourself._

“I guess if nothing else comes up.” She says almost breathily, and Lexa relaxes against her chair as she stares at her, eyes examining features as if they’re brand new and Clarke can’t take her own eyes off of her.

This isn’t in her head is it?

“We’ll talk about it later.”

“Can you chatty Kathy’s shut up; I’m trying to watch the movie.” Anya interrupts and Lexa jerks away from her like she had been in some kind of daze.

It’s not in her head, it can’t be, not with the way Lexa is now blushing.

Maybe she feels it too, whatever it is.

 

***

 

“So, Raven?”

“Eh, I guess she’s alright, she was irritating Anya all night and that’s pretty funny.” Lexa smirks widely as she closes the door behind her, flipping the locks into place.

Clarke sighs and walks through the living room before collapsing onto the couch, resting her head on the pillow she had brought with her. “Tired?” Lexa asks gently as she comes around beside her, pulling Clarke’s blanket off the back of the couch and placing it over her gently, tucking her in like a child and Clarke would roll her eyes if they were open.

“Exhausted.” She says with a soft sigh and lets out another breath when she feels Lexa’s lips press to her forehead. Her eyes open, groggy as she is to watch the green in Lexa’s eyes, a little wider like she hadn’t meant to do that, and Clarke nearly has the urge to grab the back of Lexa’s neck and press their lips together properly.

She wonders what would happen.

“Sure, you don’t want to sleep in my bed?”

“No, it’s fine.” Clarke gives her a weak smile and misses her eyes when she pulls back from her, she practically giggles when Lexa begins to untie her shoelaces. “I can do that.”

“I’ll do it.” Lexa says soft and warm and firm. Her fingers on Clarke’s ankle, wrapping around it comfortingly is what has Clarke deciding that she’ll let her do it. Anything for Lexa to stay touching her skin like that.

It doesn’t take her long to get Clarke’s shoes off, but her thumb traces a pattern over the skin of her ankle that’s so gentle that it nearly has Clarke asleep, she nearly begs Lexa to stay with her on the couch, to wrap up in her honey flowery scent and fall into unconsciousness as Lexa traces patterns on her skin just like that. She can imagine she’d never have a bad dream again if she could fall asleep like that every night.

Her eyes open at that thought because… _wow_ … _that’s a little too much_.

“Goodnight Clarke.” Lexa says, clicking the “k” in her name as her fingers abandon her ankle to travel through the side of her hair, behind her ear, down her neck and Clarke has to swallow all the emotions rising in her at once with the new reality that apparently falling asleep with Lexa touching her is something she wants to do… _very_ badly.

She nearly begs her when she leans down and presses another kiss to her cheek, warm and lingering. Her heart lingers in her throat, drying it up and keeping her from saying whatever she needs to, to get her to stay with her. Instead she watches Lexa part slowly, green eyes watching her as if she as well never wants to leave her.

This isn’t getting easier; this is getting worse. This is getting much, much, worse.

Her heart races for a long time after Lexa’s disappearance and her mind does the same. She can’t help it, can’t help it at all. Everything is so overwhelming she has the urge to run home and hide under her bed with that notebook full of Lexa. When did everything get so big and massive and scary and confusing?

She doesn’t know how much time passes with her mind racing and her eyes shut in attempts to fall asleep, god she wishes she could she’s so tired, but it must be an hour or two at least until she hears Lexa’s footsteps pattering down the hallway and back into the room. She almost sits up to greet her, but she isn’t sure what to say right now. She’s afraid of what she will say in the darkness of the night with sleep withering down her defenses.

The last thing she expects is for Lexa to pick her up. Scoop her right into her arms like she’s some knight in a fairytale novel and carry her down the hall to her bed. Lexa’s own heart is racing as if it hasn’t had enough time to settle down from a run and Clarke listens to it comfortably as Lexa carries her to her room, her foot edging the door open and setting Clarke down gently, as if she’s breakable.

“I know you said you were fine, I just-”

“It’s fine.” Clarke interrupts, she fears what Lexa will say, she fears what she’ll do. Lexa nods and goes to leave but Clarke can’t let her go. “Big enough for two.” She says quietly and Lexa smiles down at her just slightly though she looks lost, scared like they had never shared a bed before, like she’s never shared a bed with anyone.

She climbs in beside Clarke and Clarke doesn’t roll into her body heat even though she wants too. Thankfully though, she doesn’t have to ask for her touch and risk a conversation she isn’t ready for because Lexa seems to want to touch her as much as Clarke wants her too. She can feel her fingers slide against the material of her shirt, can feel her body being pulled back into Lexa’s and she’s so warm and she feels like home. “Okay?” Lexa asks, voice unsteady and Clarke’s entire heart has completely left her chest though it’s the only thing she can feel in this moment.

“Perfect.” She mumbles quietly and presses back against Lexa as she feels Lexa’s fingers curl into the end of her shirt as her arms secures its place around her. Her touch tightens in the ends of her shirt as if she’s afraid of what her hands will do. Clarke lets her secure herself there as she snuggles into the scent of Lexa’s pillow below her head.

Despite how her ideas of ever feeling anything platonic for Lexa again crumble around her, she falls asleep like she’s never had anything to worry about in her whole life, Lexa’s warm and all around her to soothe her worries, even the ones she’s unintentionally causing.

**Author's Note:**

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